– A Talesmith Short by Rajesh Muthuraj
Every office has that one person who contributes very little but talks with the confidence of a man running NASA. In our corporate universe, that person is always named either officially or otherwise ‘Anshuman.‘
He is the hero of visibility, the king of perception, the emperor of unnecessary confidence. And every one of Johny Lever’s iconic Khatta Meetha dialogues seems written exclusively for him.
Let us explore.
1. “Arre khaali Anshuman bolega toh bohot hai idhar… Award Anshuman bolega toh pata chalega na!”
The Employee Whose Words Work Harder Than He Does
Anshuman doesn’t need effort, output, or results. He just needs dialogue delivery.
He specialises in sentences like:
- “I provided direction to the team.”
- “I had advised this earlier.”
- “I was already thinking the same.”
He says two lines in a meeting, and suddenly everyone acts as if he solved world hunger.
At the awards, leadership asks: “So who should win this quarter?”
And Anshuman replies confidently: “Sir, I believe I should win this quarter.”
And somehow… he does.
Because in corporate life:
When Anshuman speaks, achievements magically get assigned to him.
2. “Abhi mereko samajh mein aaya iska actually problem kya hai… Iska poora gearbox baahar nikalna padega!”
The Employee Who Overcomplicates Everything
Every office also has one mechanic cum analyst.
Give him a simple problem: “The file is not opening.”
He turns into Johny Lever and says:
- “This needs root-cause analysis!”
- “We must redesign the full workflow!”
- “The whole system architecture is wrong!”
He uses difficult words like:
- “holistic overhaul”
- “structural realignment”
- “synergistic correction”
All for a task that literally required restarting the laptop.
His solutions are always larger than the problem and never actually helpful. But he says it with such confidence that people just nod.
3. “Arre main toh poora kaala ho gaya yaar.”
The Man Who Does the Least Work But Suffers the Most
Anshuman’s favourite drama line.
After doing 0.8% of a project, he collapses emotionally like he just returned from a 40-day Himalayan pilgrimage.
He says:
- “Yaar I am burnt out.”
- “I handled most of the pressure.”
- “This project took everything out of me.”
Meanwhile:
- Shyam did the actual work
- Priya made the deck
- Sunil handled the client
- The intern saved the day
- And Anshuman… watched the chaos while eating paneer puff
Yet he announces: “Main toh poora kaala ho gaya yaar.”
Yes bro, stress came and sat only on you.
Clearly.
4. “Abhi theek karke deta hu.”
The False-Assurance Specialist
Whenever something goes wrong, Anshuman suddenly becomes the Corporate Captain America.
He appears out of nowhere and says: “Abhi theek karke deta hu.”
This usually means:
- He will open the wrong document
- Change two fonts
- Add one motivational quote
- Delete something important
- Make five new issues
- And then say:
“Ho gaya.”
Things are rarely “theek”, but his confidence is permanently “full charge”.
After he fixes something, the team spends three hours fixing his fix.
5. “Bola tha dikhayega haathi, nikli cheeti.”
The Man Whose Promises Always Overshoot Reality
If overpromising was a sport, Anshuman would be the Olympic champion.
He presents grand visions:
- “We will deliver a game-changing solution!”
- “I have a revolutionary idea!”
- “My approach is industry transforming!”
Then, when he finally reveals his work…
It’s a one-page Word document.
With spelling mistakes.
And comic sans font.
Everyone who expected an elephant receives a tiny, confused ant.
Hence the perfect Johny Lever line:
“Bola tha dikhayega haathi, nikli cheeti.”
THE GRAND CORPORATE IRONY
Despite all this…
Anshuman still gets:
Quarterly trophy
Certificates
A shout-out in an email
Extra visibility
Premium parking spot
A raise (nobody knows why)
And that’s why he is…Award Anshuman.
When life hands you an Award Anshuman, hand yourself a Talesmith subscription, where real stories become unforgettable narratives.
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